Illusion

In the middle of the night,
When the stars appear,
As the blanket covers,
Her trembling body,
I see dreaming off,
I can not tell,
If you'll be thinking of her,
But who else would,
You've been thinking about?
I roll over to your side,
Hug your strong body,
Fighting against it's own,
Asking myself,
Does one ever want to know?
That their man,
Is longer for another woman,
Until she has woken up,
Around two in the morning,
By the sound of his voice,
Whispering,
That he loves her,
This name you swore,
He'd never said before,
Eventough it sounds as fammilair,
As something spoken,
A thousand times,
Between the lines...
"I love you too.."
She whispered back,
Hoping tomorrow,
Neither of them would remember,
The middle of this night,
The coldest 18th December.

Even the moon so strong,
Is just an illusion,
Who can tell,
What is sanity,
When it comes to you and me?

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Cave out.

Last night,
There I went,
I let go,
Of all of my fear,
Suddenly,
The weight of the world,
Seemed to disapear,
How enlighting,
To longer live,
Frightning,
With the walls,
Surrounding me,
Confined by no one else,
Then this heart of mine,
Little did I knew,
That without protecting,
Without my armour,
My precious soul,
Would be whole again,
My heart would remain,
Just as fine,
As it had always been mine,
It was never token,
Stolen or broken,
Just scared...
Now here I stand,
Fearless,
Not for I have no fears,
But for me, myself,
I challege me to,
Not fight,
Not to cave in,
But face my fears,
For that I must be,
Fearless.

No matter how small the chance,
No matter how weak your legs,
Just keep on walking,
Till you find your way back home.

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Anna's voice

Pimpels on my skin,

Show off my sin,

I had one bite too much.

The shit that hits the water,

Makes my heart shatter,

All my lack of self controle.

Every meal I eat,

I long for the need,

To throw it all away.

What can I say?

That Anna has the most,

Compelling voice?

When she speaks,

She leaves me no choice?

I've had this feeling,

They know this bleeding,

From my soul down to my body.

But what can they say?

When everyone knows...

Anna is always to stay...

Anna has this voice, Not even my choice,
What can I say, When she is always in my way?

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Dancing

The tears would not come out,

I tried my best,

Yet not even one would come,

Rolling from my face,

Touch my cheeck,

To flow down my neck,

Where your kissing lips,

To taste the salt,

You used to pour,

Into my cuts,

But I couldn't cry,

Even after all the times,

You let me down,

The rivers I cried for you,

The insomnia that haunted me,

Even when I swore,

I' never let you in,

Here we are again,

Same as always,

Everything in place,

For this perfect tango,

Until you will decide,

Once again, 

That I'm not much for dancing,

When for you only,

I would...

I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did. 

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After math

Broke my head,

Trying to find,

Reasons why,

You would love me,

There was non,

I could find,

When a voice,

Whispered in my ear,

"What is it he fears most?"

He feared death, 

Not having lived,

Being easily forgotten,

The most of all,

The voice called again,

"What is it he desires most?"

He wanted to be a part,

Belong in something,

Make things happen,

That where to never fade,

Into obvlion...

That was the reason,

The why I kept on,

Stonewalling myself for,

He had never loved me,

Solely the writer within,

For when a writer,

Falls in love,

With you,

When I fell in love,

With you,

You knew you would never die,

The way these words stay, 

To live forever more,

As permanent marker on my skin,

It became so obvious,

You never loved me,

All you loved was life after death.

Understood.

He understood me,
Quite wonderfully,
Yet to me,
That was the problem,
Any other girl,
Would fall to his feet,
For he understood,
There every move,
He could finish,
There sentence,
Tell their every wish,
Know just when,
To reminisce,
For me it just didn't work,
See I don't want someone,
Similar to me,
I want deep conversations,
Into the middle of the night,
Philosophizing about whether,
Things are black or white,
How boring would it be,
When his only respons was,
"Sure baby. I agree."
I don't want someone to do,
Exactly as I have told,
I do not long for someone,
That might never be gone,
I need the change, the drama,
I need the screwed up, the fights,
Cause the ugly parts,
They make love too...
He understood me,
Quite wonderfully,
Yet I wished not to be understood,
Only to be an question,
Someone else can be the answer,
What is there left for him to be?
When I am so beautifully,
Both of these things,
All he then could ever be,
The remains of this where,
Nothing.
Really nothing at all.
He understood me,
Quite wonderfully,
Yet art never get's understood,
For it has not any reason,
I desired to be the art in someone's heart,
When he wanted reasons,
All that I had to offer,
Where reasons to leave.

Maybe I solely,
Became art,
When I broke,
Your heart. 

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Dare to stare

No words where shared,
Nothing to be touched,
Not a wink from your eye,
Even a smile,
Was merely too much to ask,
Let along,
Wishing for a "hello",
When we hadn't even had,
A proper goodbye,
Yet as I walked in,
I met your green marbles,
Inside your orbit,
My eyes kept on looking,
How you stared,
Just stared for minutes,
And there I stood,
Without reasons,
I was the luckiest girl,
All you did was stare,
With that wide eyed gaze,
So on I fell,
In love with you.

Just grap my hand and don't ever drop it - +Taylor Swift 

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Divided.

You told me,
Not so long ago,
That you divide,
Your life into,
Two time age's,
The one before me,
And the one,
After me,
Everyone else thinks,
That is was her,
That broke you,
That left you,
Lost and with the need,
To change.

Yet you said to me,
Last night,
"It was never her,
When I was with her,
I did not even knew,
What love was,
Yet when we collided,
I was so sure,
There is so much more,
Maybe I was mistaken,
By looking for it all around,
Don't you think Carmen,
Love was to be found,
When there was you and me,
When suddenly we could see,
As if we had been blind all our lives,
Was there not love,
When you showed me,
I am so much more,
Then what I lay out to store,
Was it not love,
When I told you,
I had no idea what I was feeling,
But I knew that I was believing,
Was that not love?
Cause if that is not love,
I want to feel again,
I don't know what love is..."

His life had been divided not in two,
But in three pieces,
Before me, when he was ignorant,
When he did not knew what was to love,
The second when he had left me,
He was alone again,
When he searched all around,
For something to combine with,
As if he was just an atom,
Waiting to form a pair,
And the third, when he was with me,
As we started out two crazy kids,
But we resonated into lovers,
When we where not ready to love,
Ourselves just as much as the other...
I divided his life into three pieces,
Just as he did,
To mine.

Perhaps we'll meet again when we're better for each other.

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Forever.

Forever.
How long?
Will I,
Can I,
Even,
Love you?
Forever?
Is a long time,
Is forever,
Even granted,
To be mine...

Forever,
Might be,
A long time,
Yet,
Sometimes,
It is just,
Seconds,
Minutes,
Or just,
A day.

Sometimes,
Forever,
Is just a second,
Away.

So maybe,
Our forever,
Was an endless summer,
To always,
Remember.

Let's just give this forever,
One more summer,
One more day. 

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Drumroll.

Broken down,
By the beating,
Of this drum,
I can hear,
The screams around,
The crushing sound,
Of a world,
Breaking down,
Into pieces,
I cut my hand,
Trying to piece,
It all back together,
In order,
To get her back,
Broken down,
By the beating,
Of this drum,
I can hear,
Our song,
Playing on the radio,
Broken down,
By the beating,
Of this drum...

the beating of this drum, makes my heart,
crumble...

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Stolen heart.

Never,
Not once before,
I had asked,
Anyone for more,
Yet you,
Took it all,
When I gave,
It away for free,
Now here I stand,
Watching as you,
Hold my heart,
In your hand,
I beg you,
Don't break it,
Don't forsake me,
Yet I see it,
The wild in your eyes,
We can never be,
This longing inside me,
What to do?
About you...
When I can not,
Give you up...
If only I could,
Steal back the heart,
You stole.

Steal back this heart of mine...

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Super-duper-super-man

Superman,
Wakes to the day,
Making his way,
To work,
Or to work,
I can not say,
Yet either stray,
I can only think,
How I want to be,
A superwoman,
So I can try,
To fly,
Next to superman,
If only we could,
Go back to when,
He was only a man,
So I could be,
Someone he might see,
As a possibility,
To belong with,
But he could never give,
His live away,
He could never stay,
Cause,
After all,
He's a superman,
A hero to save this world,
One person at a time,
And I'm just, mine...

If only I could be a superwoman to fit my superman. 

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Cut me loose.

Goosebumps,
Crawled all over,
My bruised skin,
My body,
Is starting to begin,
To get more,
And more,
Used to this,
Abuse,
Confused,
If I am,
Satisfied,
By the way I lied,
Once again,
To cover when,
The beats have,
Hammered down,
To the ground,
Where I am bound,
To hold my pride,
Stay by your side,
Even now,
That I know,
I must go,
When does one ever?
Help me please,
For I please myself by pleasing him,
Yet this love of ours,
Is too much of a sin,
I can no longer begin,
To beg him,
To cut me loose...
Help me please?

Help my eyes to dry,
I can not tell another lie. 

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Laugh so easily.

Standing,
In the middle,
Of my life,
I ask myself,
Was all this,
Worth the price?
All the pain,
All the hurt,
Was it worth,
This desired?
Revolving,
Around my own,
Axes,
I can hear myself,
Asking the mirror,
To show me clearer,
Just how I feel,
Is this a dream,
Or can it touch,
To the reality?
Talking,
To myself,
I can't hear any words,
Only laughter,
I guess,
That says it all,
I don't think,
I've ever heard myself,
Laugh so easily.

When I decided it was, life became, so easily, a party to me.

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Shine out sun.

Nails painted black,

Eye liner and mascara on,

Red stained on my lips,

New dress around my hips,

Ballons inflated,

Music list created,

All is in place,

Yet somehow,

There is still something,

That I miss,

For my 21st...

I thought about it,

A thousand times,

I miss the idea,

Of your hugs around my waste,
When I cleaning my face,
The toothpaste flavour,
When you kiss me goodnight,
As the darkness around,
Can not close in,
For too bright,
I am shining.

You made me shine so bright,
Not even sunlight,
Could outshine me. 

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Adjusted.

Just sitting there,
With his hands,
Crawling,
Around the back,
Of my hair,
I felt so save,
Wondering,
If you ever feel,
As save as we where.

Just laying on the couch,
Watching our series,
I was laughing until,
My tummy hurts,
I wondered,
If you ever think,
Of the times,
We used to smile,
Hasn't been around for a while.

Adjusting to him,
Is like for the first time,
Taking a swim,
You think you'l drown,
You're a little scared,
But once you jump and fall,
You can feel yourself,
Starting to float,
And suddenly,
Everything is fine,
You don't even remember,
Why you where scared,
In the first place.

Wondering,
If you found,
Someone as well,
That made you forget,
How hard it was,
To believe in love,
At the last of our days.

Wondering.

I'm running trough the sky once again,
Remember when?
Picture taken by: +Martin Verduyn 

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Room to grow.

There it was,
Staring me into my eyes,
As a surprise,
It came to me,
That maybe,
We are not all alone,
In these things,
Yet the thought,
That even the struggle,
Of being alone,
Is not something for,
You only,
Made me even more,
Lonely...
Cause where was every soul,
That needed to be whole,
Just as mine,
Mended,
By the recognition,
Or someone's similar decision?
There is no one to talk to,
Until it has all been done,
Yet maybe that is the reason,
It has all begon,
We have to at some point,
Stand alone,
Only to know,
That there is still room to grow.

Fav Albert Einstein quote. 

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Memory lane.

Heart racing like a horse,
Vains are pulsating,
Feels like we are recreating,
A moment we have had,
Thousand times before,
What is the use in asking,
When you already know,
The answer?
Beating like never before,
Ears bleeding,
I faint to the ground believing,
That there is not,
Anything left,
Of what you once where,
You are dead,
To me,
When just yesterday,
What I wouldn't say,
Just for your mind to ease,
To put you to comfort,
Yet you run shot,
Once again,
Dissepointment,
Leading me to memory lane.

And so I guess your just another brick in the wall. 

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Do not save the changes.

The overreaction,
Is making me nervous,
Why would anyone,
Want to nose,
That much in m life,
Why is it at any's bother,
Where I do or don't,
Choose to smother,
I wonder what she would say,
If I was lurking the same way,
Yet what makes me more upset,
Is that he might have said,
Things that are untrue,
Cause truth be told,
There is not much I won't forgive,
Except I can not live,
With people who spill out,
My moments of weakness,
When I am so fragile,
As if they must confess,
What my name is about,
I will not tolerate,
That kind of crime,
Being used against this heart of mine.

No I don't. That sums up all.
No more spree of the moment,
No more wondering off.
No. 

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LIARLIARLIAR

What in earth does one say,
When she has no idea,
Of the turns in the way?

How is one supposed to control,
The words that's round,
When it is not whole?

Does one ever had the power,
To turn around,
The redeemed hour?

Is there anyone who will tell,
Just how to change,
The spell of a story told all too well?

Your a liar. 

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Third second chance.

You asked me,
"One more chance?"
Yet the question itself,
To me implies the answer,
I had given to many,
Chances.
You asked me,
"One more chance?"
This time,
The answer had changed,
So there I went..
"If you,
Bring me the sun,
So I can warm my soul again,
If you bring me the moon,
So soon,
I can think again,
If you bring me the stars,
So that I will shine again,
If you give me the earth,
For me to have a re-birth,
If you hand me over,
The horizon,
I'd been longing to hold,
Inside the palms of my hands,
Even if you could,
Then...
You still wouldn't make a chance...
Cause the horizon,
I longed to have so much,
I've passed long gone ago,
When you where still hung up,
On lost love,
And third second chances...."

Even if you hand me the horizon,
We only fell in love with each other,
For we couldn't have them...

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Butterfly.

Broken,
Unsatisfied,
Hurt,
Shattered,
Lost,
Alone.
All the words,
Used to,
Define me,
Little did I knew,
Just how fast,
I could,
Burry my future,
Behind me,
In the past.
Mended,
Loved,
Fulfilled,
Matched,
Wandering,
In place.
Words that sounded,
So far away,
Yet the where just,
A tombstone,
Away.

Now here I stand,
Before you,
Telling the story,
Of how I have died,
A million times,
Yet my heart is still beating,
Lungs are still breathing,
I am still alive.

And just like that, butterfly, you fly away,
Fly to another life, with ever bat your wings take,
I forsake, the wind can not,
Blow your happiness away. 

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Yelling.

There it was,
So relentlessly,
Staring at me,
I could see,
The weight of the world,
Clinched around her,
Holding on to,
Her shoulder,
But what is to do?
When a burden,
Is to be bared?
How can one,
Ease what has to be,
Learned?
Maybe the only start,
Is not to start,
Doing anything at all,
Cause in the end,
Don't we all fight,
Our own battle's?
Is that not what forms us,
The fact that we had to,
Find out, ourselves?
The only thing,
One can do,
Is listen to you...
Ask you want you want to do,
Even if you never even knew,
You are not hard enough to handle,
Not even close,
Yet my dear,
You are strong enough,
You are good enough,
And in time,
You will be what ever you want,
Have you ever saw,
In the mirror,
How good enough you are?
Even if in the end,
Nothing changes,
Nothing will be the same,
At all...
Don't be scared to look,
For this, this struggle alone,
Is only the begin of your book...

this moment, capture it, remember it. 

Let's make a story not worth telling,
Let's make a story worth yelling,
From the tops of every roof,
Show you of as the remarkable proof.

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Fold it.

Paper flower,
Pin it on,
Paper flower,
Just begon,
It won't swallow,
You all up,
It won't dry,
Of thirst,
It's not hungry,
Warm or cold,
But to be,
For ever hold,
Paper flower,
On the wall,
Peddles will not,
Fall.
Paper wall,
Smells like you,
Paper flower folded,
By a hand,
That so softly,
Loves me,
Paper flower,
Reached,
My paper heart.
All that I ask,
Is that you be,
Gentle,
When you touch me,
You might,
Cut your fingers,
When your too greedy,
Yet you might,
Torn me up,
Or crumble my,
Paper heart,
When you so mindless,
Forget that a heart,
Is to won over,
Part by part,
Before you finish,
For the long run,
Ask if your world,
Was or started,
To spun...
Only one can,
Fire this gun.
Paper hearts,
Don't do well,
When they dwell,
From being shot,
Then getting forgot.
Paper flower,
Made my paper heart,
Depart into yours.

My paper heart, Depart right into yours,
They fold perfectly into each other.

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Not the answer.

Don't know,
What for,
I am searching,
But lately,
It seems to,
Drift further,
From shore,
Now that I,
Need it more...

Don't know,
For how long,
I'll be dreaming,
But lately,
My dreams have,
Turned into,
Delusions,
Now that I,
Am dreaming,
Next to you...

Don't know,
If lingers,
Will longer,
Stay here,
Then feelings,
Yet when you,
Come around,
Can't you see,
I'm out of sound...

Don't know,
But I'd guess,
I'm looking for,
Reason, answers,
And as they said,
Love is always,
The answer,
When in fact,
It was not...

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Happier

Sugar and honey,
Riding a pony,
Cotton candy,
Naming me Mandy,
Home made lemonade,
Park strawl date,
Strawberry cream,
Morning dream,
Fun fair,
Perfect hear,
Bee easy,
Love cheesy,
Thing you love more,
That make you happier,
Then I do.

Thing you love more then me...

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Done.

I am done.

Done with you.
Done with thinking about you.
Done with trying not to think, about you.

I am done.

Done with you.
Done with who you once was.
Done with the person you have became.

I am done.

Done with you.
Done with feelings we had.
Done with caring for you.

I am done.

Done with you.
Done with letting you change me.
Done with the power game we play.

I am done.

Yet I am not,
Over you.

Just done,
Done with you alone.

Not with love,
And not with life,
Not with white lights,
And butterflies,
It is you alone,
That I no longer endure.

Simply for,
I am done with you.

I might have been,
Afraid to write,
These words,
For days...

But I am done.
So here you go.
I am done.

So I put on boots, cause if I walked all over you,
bare footed, it wouldn't hurt you enough.

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Sorry.

Took these words to paper,
Wondering if,
I am supposed to,
Apologize?
For the toll,
These hits had taken,
On me...
I wrote a journal,
Handed it out,
For free,
Anyone to read, see,
What is was,
That had turned me,
Into a stranger,
Yet here I am,
Alone once again,
At 1:30 A.M.
Crying my sheets soaking wet,
This cold and empty bed,
Where is the one,
That can,
Dry my tears,
Forgive me for my fears,
See that there might be,
The possibility that time,
Would heal all these wounds of mine?
Or am I,
Supposed to apologize?
For life...?

Sorry, sorry, sorry I am so sorry.

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Thoughts on this poem?
Leave a reaction below.

Poetic justice.

How I've been thinking,
Devestatingly lately,
About poetic justice,
Can it be considered,
Poetic that I myself,
Am growing up,
Confined in between,
The walls of a place,
To little for a mind,
That is one of a kind,
Am I to be forced,
Not to think in metaphors,
Cause to them I am talking in blurs?
Is there an law,
For me to keep on trying,
To reach out tell them all about,
My thoughts and reasons,
When most seasons I get laughed upon?
Can I decide myself,
To draw the line,
And keep my own thoughts mine?
Is one to be granted the wish,
To never speak again,
To their family when,
They don't ever understand the words,
So well descriping the feelings,
My heart is filled with?
Can bad blood come to peace,
When I choose for my own,
Peace of mind?
Tell me what will I find,
When I no longer let them indulgde in my mind...
Will I feel comforting or disgusted?
Will I been punished or loved...
By poetic justice?

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Daddy's pride

Little bump,
Your mommy's belly,
She tries to hide,
That her weight,
Is coming one,
Yet this little bump,
It's my pride...

A buldge,
Right here,
Staring at me,
Just as your eyes,
I will soon meet,
To be called a father,
Take me so much further,
Then I thought,
Any long run could...

Baby screams,
Pierce trough my dreams,
Yet as I wake,
I can forsake,
That I am still dreaming,
I live whilst believing,
There is no greater wish,
Then giving you a goodnight kiss...

Childrens tears,
Fill my eyes with fears,
Wondering if,
I am doing all good?
What would my father do?
Does one ever has a clue,
What is waiting,
When they are waiting,
For the moment to arrive?

Teen green,
I've never seen,
You so mad,
Screaming, crying,
What a bomb,
What an impact,
This age is to us,
The fights, the fuss...

Roaring twenty's,
Saving all of our pennies,
To get you to collage,
Trying to make you see,
That we only want the best,
Putting us to the test,
But darling, don't worry,
When you look back years from now,
Cause I know, I've been a teen too,
Little did I knew...
Until I myself flew...

Twenty one,
Day had to come,
Where you would get gone,
Dad's not ready,
Can't get his voice steady,
He wished he had,
One more dish to wash,
One more door to bash,
Cause the music is too loud,
Yet the start is what this is about,
The ending,
Now your landing,
To stand on your own to feet...

Funny how it started,
Just a little bump,
That got your heartbeat...

Daddy may tell you now,
That even though,
I might have not met you yet,
I'll protect you my child,
From anyone who tries to harm,
My baby, wether your a boy,
Or a lady,
Even when I haven't met you yet,
I can't forget,
That I must have said,
I already love you, I do.

A little bump,
Our little bump,
Mommy tries to hide,
Yet she may not,
For you are,
And will be,
Forever my pride.

No matter how mad, Darling don't forget,
Daddy love you, Sweet child of mine,
All the time, your my pride...

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I once was

Had I not asked myself,
A thousand times,
If maybe the curtain,
Was closing on me?
What I was ought to be?
If there was even a chance,
To get back to who,
I once was.

Had I not questioned,
Your intentions,
Only a million times,
Between the white lies,
Endless cries,
And tired eyes,
I dreamed not of you,
But the girl,
I once was.

Had I not understood,
That some things just could,
Not have been,
Anything other then wrong,
Yet when I write,
In the darkness staring at computer light,
I wonder do I have the right?
To be calling you out,
When I am no longer who,
I once was.

Had I not spoken,
Then was my heart mended,
Or broken?
Who can say,
If it would have been,
You or I that had,
The power to leave the other,
Provoken,
Nothing more and nothing less,
Then the mess,
I once was.

Rarely do I see, her in my mirror, the girl I used to be.
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Pride & Loud.

Silent,
I thought you where,
So I told you,
Little did I knew,
You had,
So much to say,
Little did I knew,
You had,
So much I had,
Descriped him to be,
Little did I knew,
A mistake,
Is so easy to make,
When you think,
What you thougth,
Might be the truth,
Oh how little,
Does anyone ever,
Even knows?
When there is,
Silence,
So still all around,
Little do we know?
When there is no word,
That goes around,
To be coming around,
Right where it,
Can hit the wound,
Leave you to bleed on the ground,
Little did I knew,
You where,
More like then man I used to know,
And he is,
More like the stranger,
I walk by,
Silently hoping that he,
Won't see,
Me praying,
That he'll keep silent.

Cause nothing is real until you think it is. 

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Fresh feels

Strange weather,
In the air,
Wondering what you'd do,
Now that,
The blond hair,
Is fading from winter,
Will you still be,
Into me?
Or should I,
Move faster,
Turn around in mysterious ways,
Now that skies,
Have turned grey,
Summer skin,
Has gone pale...
Yet my feels for you,
Are still fresh,
Golden.

Summer skin, gone pale, yet these feels, are fresh, golden. 

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21.

Dreaming,

Oh how I have,

Been dreaming,

For days,

Weeks,

Even months,

Maybe years,

For this moment,

To arrive.

21,

Stopped dancing,

To look around,

Inner circle filled,

With those I love,

Smile on my face,

Everything in place,

I get reminded,

That I already have,

A life so good. 

21, 

Just beginning,

To understand this,

Living. 

If tomorrow,

I forget the words,

Here that I said,

I will sing them,

For myself as I sleep,

Cause, Oh Lord,

At the end of the day,

When I reflect,

On my way,

I have a life, that's good. 

21,

Life.

Has.

Just. 

Begun. 

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More then friends

There he sat,

Glancing over,

Coming closer,

Little did I knew,

These funny feelings,

Were shared,

Wad not just laughter,

About silly jokes,

But the question,

Wanting to be provoked,

Little did I knew,

That friends could be,

More then friends,

Daylight shine,

I'll be trying not to,

Think about you,

But little did I knew,

As night falls,

I have fallen too...

Start walking.

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Write

He asked me,
As we laid in bed,
His fingertips across my skin,
Rain closing in,
"When did you knew,
you where a writer?"
I giggled before,
My answer started,
"Oh darling,
You don't have a choice,
You see,
It is not a knowing thing,
Is a either are or aren't kind,
So simple,
If I do not write,
Today...
i will not be able,
To concentrate,
For there are too many,
Thoughts floating around,
I will not be able,
To fall asleep,
Cause there are untied strings,
Inside my head,
But most of all,
I will not be happy,
For I miss it, I have to, I need to,
Write..."

So maybe it's more about a need that demands
to be served then wanting to be?

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Prop.

How silly this can be,
Acting so happy,
When all I got,
For a hard days work,
Was nothing more,
And nothing less,
Then a thin press,
Piece of paper,
To be drawn,
Signed and preserved,
With all the care,
In my world,
Only to show,
That I might know,
What I am talking about?
That I have a mind?
When I wonder to myself...
Is working for a,
Paper stamp that says,
Something so dumb,
Like that you are smart enough,
To pass trough,
Not mindless at all?
We all have a mind,
We all know what we are,
Talking about,
We analysed it before we spoke,
Who ever decided,
That in a way so unnaturally,
We best would be to study,
Cause I really do wonder,
Who is more happy?
The fool on the street,
Or I dragging my feet.

A mirror does not, know you, at all.

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Guidemap to a brokenheart. Chapter 1: Automatic motion.

The game:

1.     Read the chapter.

2.     Rank it on the events page or on www.carmenverduyn.com by leaving a reaction. Would you pitch it to your friends? Or bitch about it?

3.     Check our Facebook or Google Plus for the next few days to see, if you have won any of the prizes.

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Chapter 1: Automatic motion.

It was a rainy grey Saturday afternoon. Shifting everybody’s mood as hers had already been changed last night. It was not cranky, mad or angry, nothing like that. She was just sad. The tragic, beautiful, heartbroken kind of sad. And heartbroken she was. Although she couldn’t cry anymore on this cold morning. It was barely as cold as her empty bed had been lately.

She sighted as she took the cloth out of the bucket. Her head wasn’t with the work at all. It was proceeding on automatic motion. Same as she had lived this pass year. Each time again trying to pick up all the pieces he left around scattered. Putting her life back together. Yet is was so much easier to say that she was doing it then actually coming around to it. History is the one thing only to be accepted when it’s past. But now that history keeps presenting it’s self in the present there’s no stopping time. Only left, demons chasing you down, disguised as memories. Demanding you to feel, forcing you to step out of line, making you change into something you are not. Thank god she hadn’t done nothing like that not yet. She had seen more people in sheep clothes then she had ever recognised her own demons. Maybe that’s why battle’s within are so much harder to win, because you are your own biggest opponent. Your demons they know all of your weak spots, hit you right there where you’ll be unaware of the attack.

As she was cleaning the kitchen counter, or cleaned this one spot over and over again, she stroke trough her hair. For just a second she had forgotten she had short hair. But there it was the part of hair she wanted to throw over her shoulder, which just wasn’t there. That’s the way someone influences you. He was invaded into the most tiny and stupid pieces of her life to haunt her there for ever more.

Not only had she changed her hair so he would no longer find her attractive. She knew he loved the long, strait, brown hair. The main reason was that people thought she was been mistaken to be Narcisse for quite some times. God how she hated that. The fact that even know after all she still had to wonder... If he and her where only together because that one night, he mistook her for me? Just as the rest of the world did. If only his friends did so, that would be terrible, but understandable. They probably also exaggerated for the peruse of teaching a lesson. Yet her friends.

I was just eating a slice of pizza on my favourite festival, as someone started to talk to me about things I had never heart of before. He was all gushing about how fun it was to see each other again, when I didn’t even recognised him. Tell when he saw, that I had no idea who he was. he was all like, oh wait I’ll find a picture of the girl I thought you where. There it was. A picture of Narcisse staring right into my eyes.

I no choice but you go. I ran and ran. I still remember my friends coming after me asking what is wrong. How could I explain, that I am replaced with a look a like? How does anyone handles being mistaken for someone who’s heart was never broken, by the one token that was in the midst of this all... him.

That was the moment I decided, I had to change my hair, do something different. I asked the hairdresser to put in red and blond highlights. Got her to cut it short with layers. The exact opposites of what she had, what I used to wear my hair like. Not only had she gotten what I used to call once mine, she had gotten my looks, my style wit hit all for free. No one asked her if it was awkward for her that we looked so similar, cause well, they all thought that was a shitty move. When shit they threw at me, over and over.

I would have sung it all off of me, but I no longer had a voice to sing with. You had token my sound away, as I tried to speak, not even the tiniest voice spoke. It got gone, until it was buried deep inside. Somewhere where it would no longer be exposed tot his interrogation light. No more spoken words for a girl know as the one and only spoken word that walks around here. The one everyone knew was home, when they heard a high-pitched Taylor Swift sound pass their windows by. She biked silently to work now. No humming, no fake drumming. She was still.

Cause my voice within had been taken, I tried to write. As I had always written. But the words wouldn’t flow out. There where no thoughts. I could not think about it, cause the hurt was to much form y shoulders to hold. I would vanish under the weight of the memories that where trying to weigh me down. The words you said, to me, where the words I wanted you, to once again, read, see. But what was the point in me, telling the world what I wanted it to be. When it would get me... you? What was the use in anything at all, if apparently so I can be easily replaced by someone looking like me. It made me wonder if... if I had a twin, would you love her more then me? Cause maybe my twin would be flawlessly?

Was there ever even the option not to change, when you kept on asking more of me, and I was willingly, giving you, every last part of me?

Had I ever stood a chance up against the rules of love, that you so well seem to manipulate? When you explain to me, what you think love should be, where ever was your fault, when it where mine as well. I had the crazy idea that love was a two way street, but when I fell for your feet, you made it so very clear... love is how you paint it to be my dear. You made my sky look so blissfully light blue, did I ever knew... just how fast this paint of yours shifts colours, when you walked out the door. How was I supposed to know, that spray paint was just as easily to be dripped of and washed of as our sunscreen that summer did.

He changed it all. My idea of love, the way I looked at life. How I thought of the future to be, but most of all what I saw in the mirror when I looked at... me.

My perspective of things had gotten a 360 spin. I was starting to begin to learn, what it is in live, love allows you to earn. When you decided that running, was so much more cunning. It was to be surely the only way you could be certain, I would be haunted by you, till you would be long gone, to be getting nowhere fast. To walk along empty streets, to roam where roads lead to more crossroads. To be passed along by the passing of time alone. To wander where wondering leads. With nothing but died seeds.

Yet you where moving. How strange and rare, that one can be filled with jealousy only to see, that the one they envy, has nothing at all, more or less, then this Denzel in distress.

Oh how he changed me. More then I ever imagined anyone would be able to. There lays my fault, in loving you, with all that I was. In giving myself away, for free. My fault was, thinking that you might be, what you had show me. Cause it’s all lies, it’s always lies and masks, that make us grasp the flasks, filled with a liquor that’s stronger then we are. We pour it in a cup, trying to soak up, the strength we can’t find ourselves, to speak out honest words. That are barely spoken of. Let along believed, by the one’s we once deceived.

He had changed me. He had changed me. When in this whole world, in my whole time.  I had promised myself that at the end of the line, I would have never changed for anyone else’s opinion then mine. I still did. Not because you asked me, but because I believed you to be, just as much part of myself as I was to be. But you weren’t. Not even close.

For some time, I had loved the fact that he had changed me, I would even worship him, almost thank him for he had done, but not now. Not anymore now.

Slowly the fact that before I met him I could shower long and warm. So delightful those days where. I would sing under the shower with a foam sponge to be sung in as a microphone. I would dance and close my eyes. Almost as in a daydreaming trance, I was preforming there under the shimmering water. I would laugh along, as I knew all the words of my favourite song by heart, sing it part by part. Wash off what the whole day had held on the rhythm of the beat. Splashing the water with my feet. Dancing round naked, discovering every single mole my body had, looking over ever freckle as a wonder of nature, on my so far clean canvas.

Yet when I met him, when he slept over. When we became closer and closer. I spend all my time under the shower, thinking about yelling out to the hallway if he wanted to join me. I no longer sung for my singing qualities where not that good. I had no good voice or anything, I just sung for the love of it. I was scared he would laugh at me if he would hear me, or that he would think I was childish or silly. So with the purpose of self-protection, I no longer had a showering routine. I would try to take my mind off of it by thinking every single time I showered, what it would be like if he where under it too. Thinking of that one time at his friend’s pool when we did. I could get so aroused by the thought of being is this small space with him, for me alone, to pull in close, be locked up with his body naked and wet. For me to get, all I ever dreamed of in my wildest dreams. To make him see, that even good girls get bad. Kissing with our eyes closed, but feeling as if life where filmed in screaming color.

Then he left, and my whole shower turned into a black and white, mid ‘50’s scenery. Where the shower was meant for only showering. No thoughts allowed, no fun. No water was to be wasted. Up until the moment I found myself sitting on the floor of my bathroom, soaked trough by the showerhead, dripping wet. Shivering whilst my skin was burning red from the heat of the water. Yet I could not feel it. I was numb, I was just so out of touch, by having felt way too much... that my heart got numbed. I was crying without reason. Not even hurt was there to hurt me anymore. What I hadn’t given that second to feel a little bit of emotion, anything at all. Cause we all rather feel pain then feeling plain. I would stare blank ahead to the side screens catching the water, as I tried to let these destructive thoughts flow down the drain. All I ever was and all I had been these past months was pouring down in tears and dropping into the stream, as I was drowning in the drain I only had the choice to let myself drown or to hold on to the thoughts that did not go with the flow but rather floated. And so I choose to hold on to what kept holding me back.

I got so warn down by this kind of showers, that I started to shower as cold and short as possible. When I had tree days in a row off I would stay inside the house and not shower until the morning of my soon to be seen new door would open. I would do what was necessary to be okay when I walked out of the door. But okay, isn’t anywhere near decent or feeling good at all.

It didn’t even was a thing then, when last week suddenly I found myself singing under the shower, wit hall this power, dancing and laughing and goofing around with the soap. When I realised how much I missed that and wonder to myself why in earth I ever stopped doing that in the first place. When I came to find, you are the reason again. For me changing. So intimidating that someone can walk in your life and without you knowing invade these little rituals, little you things, and change them without your knowledge what so ever. That someone can invade in practically anything that you wouldn’t even debate about to call something. You came in and change nothing, yet you changed so much of my nothings, and don’t worry, and no problems... that I no longer have no nothing’s anymore.

I didn’t even realised, how much you changed me. Until you already did. With our without my consent, I can’t decide. Whether falling for your feet, and being swept away, is a choice or a decision that gets to be decided for you. I can’t decide. It would be easy to say, I did not made the call, but who will say who did, when I must admit, that I don’t even remember ever passing that stage? Was I ever able to be saved when I have no recollection of the moment when you invaded and I faded into you. I don’t recall, when I had to call out for an emergency, cause I honestly can’t see, the moment the red flags rose, the moment I should’ve froze. But I didn’t, I just went along, got warmed up, for the long run, that got shut down by you giving some else my seat, giving away my shotgun.

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